Fix This: November Solution

Lori was filled with fear. Something was chasing her; she could hear it. She ran through the forest as fast as she could, her long black hair streaming behind. 

There are two problems with last month’s exercise.  To begin, it’s passive.  The verb “was” is the culprit.  It lacks vitality or spark and signifies only a state of existence. Lori was in a state of fear.  Something was chasing her.  “Could” is much the same.  Look for verbs that show, verbs with impact that lend to the senses.

Fear gripped Lori.  She froze and listened.  Leaves rustled, a stick snapped.  Lori bolted.  Branches  whipped her face; twigs caught her hair.  This shows her in a forest, running hard.   

The last part: her long black hair streaming behind, is out of viewpoint or certainly teeters on the brink.  She can’t see her hair if it’s behind her, and if she sensed it, it is hardly something that would cross her mind under the circumstances.  Be careful of views that are out of place or unreal.

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